Happy International Women's Day!
This fall I took a women in leadership class and it got me thinking about what my role/purpose is as a woman and what it means to be empowered. I truly believe that conversations about women's roles and about respectful ways to talk about/to women are so important. The discussions I had in that class started a journey of self-reflection about what comments have been made to me as a woman that either empowered me or tore me down. This post is just a glimpse into some of that reflection in hopes that it will spark something in others and will generate even more important conversations.
This week alone, I've been pestered about why I'm not dating anyone, told I should change the way I dress to make others happy, and shamed/called selfish for not wanting to be a mother some day. The sad thing is, this week was not the first time I've been told any of this and I know that other women face similar criticism regularly as well.
The purpose of this post is not to rant, but to inform. All women and all men should be treated and talked to with respect. Below is my own personal list of what I believe is and isn't respectful to say and talk about.
I encourage you to analyze whether or not you agree with these dos and don'ts, and to ask the women around you if they can relate. I wrote this from my own perspective, so every woman might not agree, and that's okay! Please leave a comment and let me know what your own perspective is on these topics.
Conversational Dos and Don'ts
1. Marriage/Relationships
Don't: Aggressively and consistently ask me if I've found a boyfriend yet. Being a young female in college, people frequently do this. When people ask with the assumption that that is my main goal in life or pressure me to act soon, it's hurtful. My main focus right now is school. What happens, happens. It is really not their business to pressure me and it is certainly not their place to make me feel bad about myself for not being in a relationship. Me being a strong and successful woman is not dependent on me finding a man. Also... I'm young!! What's the hurry? I do realize that some girls go to college to find a husband, but don't assume that's what I'm doing. I'm genuinely here to learn and grow.
Do: Ask me how I'm doing and what's new. If that includes a new relationship, I'll let you know. Remember that there is so much going on in my life besides relationships, and that I would love to chat about other things as well.
2. Comparison
Don't: Compare me to other women or say I should try and be like anyone but myself. I have had people tell me to my face they hope I look like someone else someday. Someone prettier. I've also been told how to dress, how to walk, and how to post pictures online so I can be more like other girls. The thing is, I actually do like myself. It has taken me 20 years to like who I am, so when people make comments like these, it tempts me to fall back into disrespecting myself. I will never be anyone but me. I have finally accepted that, and I want others to accept it as well.
Do: Talk to me how you would like to be talked to. (The golden rule really is golden). Compliment me when you feel so inclined and say nothing when a judgmental thought comes to mind.
3. Children/Motherhood
Don't: Assume that because I'm a woman, it's my life goal to be a mother. I worked at a daycare for 4 years and I have 5 nieces and nephews. I love children and I am very capable of taking care of them. That does not mean that I want to be a mom someday. In fact, I have never wanted to be a mother. When I share that with people, they almost always say, "You'll change your mind someday." If someone said they wanted to be a doctor or they wanted to live in a certain state, you would never immediately respond with "You'll change your mind someday," so why is that how people react about not wanting children? Besides that, whether or not I do change my mind someday, it is not their decision or business. The other response that I get is, "What if your husband wants kids?" If you think I'm going to marry someone who does not have the same life plan as me, you're fooling yourself.
I have literally been told that not wanting to be a mom is selfish of me. If more people realized before they had children that they were not cut out for parenthood, there would be less children in foster care and less child abuse. Why, then, are we pressuring everyone and anyone to have children?
Recently, a professor of mine gave an entire lecture that made the assumption that we were all going to immediately get married and have children. Not only is this an annoying conversation to have if you don't want kids, but it's also downright offensive to anyone that is incapable of having children due to medical complications. I wish people would be considerate about this topic not just for myself, but for the women who desperately want children but are unable.
Do: Acknowledge that there are a million ways for women to live abundant lives that do not have to include motherhood. Be respectful of the fact that not every woman wants the same things in life.
The most interesting thing about these unfortunate conversations I've had is that more than half of them were with people that love me and that did not realize how offensive their words were. A lot of these hurtful things were also said to me by other women. I firmly believe that there is not enough open and honest communication about the criticism women face on a daily basis and how it affects them.
Not just on International Women's Day, but every day, I hope we can all strive to be kind to others and have conversations that empower instead of disrespect.
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